I was engaged, to my best friend in the whole world. To the one person I believed would always be by my side, be there for me. And most of all - always laugh with me.
I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to always talk to about my day, to share the random inner workings of my mind with. To act goofy with. Whether it was impersonating sitcom characters, singing idiotic songs or dressing up in drag and going to the Rocky Horror Picture show with.
Right now I miss him, not our relationship, but our friendship. He said we hadn't been "friends" for a long time, that we'd lost that. And I miss that so much. It feels so lonely.
And right now I have some of the BEST girlfriends a gal could ever ask for. The last week with Megs was easily one of the best vacations ever. She definitely saved me from getting lost in my own head and solitude, she made me laugh and remember what it is to have fun again. I'm honored that I was able to stand with her on her wedding day and watch her marry her best friend. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed and I feel so touched to have been there. Becca is dealing with a lot of stuff herself and she has still been able to offer me her continual owl-like wisdom, encouragement and smiles. Not to mention all of my many many amazing friends who have made sure I know they are there for me and only a phone call, skype or coffee away. I hope they all know how special they are to me.
But somehow (and I dont mean to sound ungreatful in the slightest, because I could never put into words the love and appreciation I have to every single one of these special people) its not quite the same. Your partner will and always should be your best friend, the person that isnt going anywhere and will support and defend you beyond all others. I dont ever claim to be abe to rival my McMuppett consorts, nor would I want to (unless they ever hurt them. In which case hell hath no fury. But my McMuppetts have very excellent taste and judgement and I couldnt in a million years imagine either consort even dreaming of hurting their beloveds) And I thought I'd found mine. But it turns out I hadn't. And that thought is so lonely and saddening its almost overwhelming.
And I keep being told that I deserve better, and that the right person is out there. But its so hard to believe that. Only because I cant picture them y'know? Anytime I picture my best friend, the person that will always cuddle me at the end of a long day and make me giggle by doing something silly...I picture him.
Except...its the him he used to be. And the us we used to be. Because he's not there anymore. I dont know what happened, what changed. But the man that I loved is long since gone. And I wish I knew when he left and where I could find him. And I wished that he'd told me he was leaving so I could say goodbye. I feel like the man I said goodbye to a few weeks ago was just a representation.
And maybe one day my best friend will come back. Maybe he'll want to be friends again...sharing a chocolate milkshake, singing "I fooouuunndd it" and putting on stockings and make up with me to watch a strange movie from the 70s. But I cant truly believe that. I'd like to....but I really think he's gone.
But how do I find a new best friend, when everything about myself, my loves, hopes, fears, dreams, randomness and appreciations were all shared with him? How can I share them with someone new, as if they were new? How can I not be reminded of him and a shared memory or experience at almost everything I love and do?
And how am I supposed to get through every day feeling like its just me that feels like this? That this isnt hurting him, that he isnt thinking of the time we fed chipmunks, or the time we sung to random people in Old Town, or the times he would sit and brush my hair while we watched Doctor Who or the million and one other moments that made up our lives together? He's just thinking that its easier now to be alone because the risk of being hurt is eliminated. He's enjoying his life as if I never existed and we never were something that we believed could never be changed or erased. .
But being alone is the worst kind of hurt ever. And I just hope that one day someone will be able to revive my faith in best friends, in not being lonely, and give me new moments to smile and reminisce about.